WoodyHill, like everywhere, has it's fair share of misfits. Some time ago some of the local oiks burned down the cricket club pavilion in the park. This seems to have brought things to a head and the local residents have banded together to form one of those 'Friends of blah blah blah' type groups. The good news is that they can now get grants from the government to rebuild and tighten security.

Naturally, I've got a few ideas which I am considering submitting for consideration. They are sort of zero tolerance and possibly a little right wing but I'm convinced that they would be quite effective.

For a long time I have advocated licensing one resident per street to own a sniper rifle (only in trouble spots of course - I wouldn't want to be too extreme). The lucky resident would have the lawful duty of picking off drug dealers, pimps and anyone allowing their dog to foul the footpath. Where the park is concerned, one household on each side should be enough to cover all angles. Of course the rifles would need to be equipped with a night sight.

The council want to put up gates (whimps) but this leaves one weak spot where there is a bridge over a small stream from the nearby woods. The security people will not go there after dark to close the gate because it is too isolated.  The answer to this is simple; all that's needed is to cover the bridge with chicken wire and then electrify it. One of those light sensitive switches that comes with security lighting is all that's needed to turn it on at night.

The result would be akin to those blue light things used in restaurant kitchens for frazzling flies. Unsuspecting bug brained yobbos who find themselves drawn to the park in the night would simply get fried and drop into the stream to be washed away as a steaming charcoal stick like a burned out funeral pyre on the River Ganges. The disturbance to nearby residents would then be a much more acceptable and occasional fizzing noise, maybe a brief blue flash and the faint smell of barbecuing.