Even though my number is unlisted, I've begun to get cold callers in the evenings. They try to sell anything from gas to conservatories and they are a nuisance. They have no right to invade my privacy but unlike spammers there is a way to get back at them.

I tried hanging up, I tried asking them nicely not to call again, I tried just leaving the phone on one side until they go away, but somehow none of those things is really very satisfying. So, for the last few calls I have adopted a new strategy - I string them along.

At first I was not very good at it and they caught on within a couple of minutes but the more I practise the better I get. The trick is to sound a bit simple so that they feel they have to spell everything out for you. Ask lots of questions and pretend to mishear or not quite grasp the answer. Every now and then I throw in a personal question just to push the boundaries a bit and see if I can get away with it.

Ultimately the challenge is to see how long I can keep them on the line. Occasionally, I have had the pleasure to speak to some very nice people who seem to appreciate the opportunity to break away from the script and have a bit of a chat. I have even been known to show mercy and let one or two off the hook. One in particular turned out to be a struggling student so I didn't waste too much of her time (even though she was happy to waste mine).

My longest caller so far wanted me to change my telephone provider and was ringing from New Delhi in India. During the course of the conversation I managed to get her to agree to knock off the VAT and send both me and my mother a bunch of roses (I got the impression she would say anything - I'm only a simpleton remember). I asked her if she could send me the details in a fax which she readily agreed to; so I asked her how she would do that since I don't have a fax machine. I thought that would finish the conversation for sure - but no, we carried on. She asked me what I use my phone for and I said I sometimes ring random numbers in the evening and try to sell things to people. It’s hard to believe but she still carried on. After that I knew I was in for the long haul

The original caller passed me on to her supervisor and I had fun referring to her as his boss (he didn’t seem bothered by that which was a bit of a let down). I found out that he isn’t married but that he has a nice garden. That gave me a new idea; I may make a list of personal or silly questions and see if I can work them in. Things like; how many keys do you have? or what colour is your horse?

My record so far is 30 minutes and 4 seconds. By the end I was getting bored but luckily the line went dead so I guess either frustration got the better of them or they are only allowed 30 minutes to make a sale. Never mind, bring on the next one...

Here is a brief transcript of one of the shorter calls;

"Hello, can I speak to the householder please?"

"Yes that's me"

"Ah hello, it's just a quick call to offer you a completely free quote for a new kitchen"

"Ok, it's about average size and has a cooker and a fridge how much would that be?"

"Well I can't tell you that on the phone sir"

"I see. Is that why it's just a quick call?"

"Yes, er No, um..."

"Well, thanks for calling. Is that it?"

"Yes um, I um..."

" Have a nice evening then - goodbye"

"Goodbye"

A WoodyHill correspondent emailed this idea. Keep it by the phone and read it to your next telesales pest;

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