© WoodyHill.co.uk 2006
Gentlemen's Grooming
I'm convinced there was a time (just prior to us getting married) that in my wife’s eyes I was the cream. These days, with my ‘Sell By’ date long in the past, I suspect she probably thinks of me more akin to budget yogurt.
Now, it's not that I've let my grip on high fashion slip or anything, but she says I need 'trendying up' a tad so I've abandoned myself to her styling aspirations. To date the results are not all bad; where I had been anticipating a slow decline into a nice comfy cardigan (Cable knit, bottle green, tortoise shell buttons and two pockets - one for a hanky and the other for humbugs) and perhaps a pair of polyester 'stay pressed' slacks.
She has steered me more towards boot cut jeans, fashionable T-shirt (I'm not allowed a number, darn!) under a tasteful V-neck Cashmere jumper in a rather understated fawn colour.
I couldn't let her take all the credit for the admiring glances and complementary comments I've been imagining from young women. So I've cast caution to the wind and decided to invest in some Gentleman's Grooming Products. Up until now the most I had bothered with was a £1 bottle of moisturiser to take the soreness away after a shave. Consequently I don't really have much of a clue about where best to shop for the kind of stuff I require for holding back the decay.
It would be quite out of character for me to chuck any money away on branded or 'designer' products (part of my philosophy of life) so the choice is a little restricted. Kate suggested that I could get some reasonably priced creams and aftershaves in boots. I innocently asked how they stop it oozing out the lace holes and was sharply told to stop being childish, she quite obviously meant Boots the Chemists.
So off I went clutching a £5 note in a quest to equip myself with some slightly more up market potions and smellys. Within half an hour I had managed to seek out a couple of 'buy one, get one fee' offers (the old philosophy kicking in again). I had decided to break a shaving foam habit and go for gel, mostly because the packaging was recyclable (note the green tendencies, if it wasn't for the fact that I’d like to have the majority of the prison population shot I'd be worried I was going soft).
Anyway, to get back to the plot, by the time I got to the till, most of the basics had been taken care of. All that really remained was something to tantalise the olfactory senses of those curious enough about the repackaged me to come close enough to catch a whiff.
Recently, the only aftershave I had thought necessary was a splash of Dettol behind the ears but as Kate pointed out, if I really want to be thought of as old before my time, smelling like a hospital ward is a great way to do it. So, the question was; what brand to splash on? I wasn't sure if vague memories of adolescent experiences were really reliable enough - I remember experimenting with ‘class A’ substances such as Hi Karate and Brute 33 but I'm pretty sure that by now they will have been banned under some health and safety law or other. I think you can still get Old Spice (on sale under the counter at Senior Citizen’s day care centres) but then that's back to the hospital ward again. Maybe I should come right up to date and get a bottle of the current teenage splosh Lynx, if nothing else it would keep the flies away in hot weather.
No, something a bit more subtle is called for. I think I may have half a bottle of Denim left under the kitchen sink from Christmas 1976.
Christmas! of course! Now I come to think of it I got just the thing from a devoted relative last year. A bottle of subtle and exclusive supermarket own brand 'Après Rasage' - very expensive at £25 a bottle (1 gallon). I looked on the label to check the ‘Best Before’ date - there wasn’t one but it did quote a half life of a thousand years (I think that means it’s ok). It was right there under ‘Do not dispose of in a fire’ and ‘keep away from children and animals’. A full £5 cheaper than a bottle of whisky and a full 5% more flammable than petrol but best of all, a present - it was perfect.
Now, it's not that I've let my grip on high fashion slip or anything, but she says I need 'trendying up' a tad so I've abandoned myself to her styling aspirations. To date the results are not all bad; where I had been anticipating a slow decline into a nice comfy cardigan (Cable knit, bottle green, tortoise shell buttons and two pockets - one for a hanky and the other for humbugs) and perhaps a pair of polyester 'stay pressed' slacks.
She has steered me more towards boot cut jeans, fashionable T-shirt (I'm not allowed a number, darn!) under a tasteful V-neck Cashmere jumper in a rather understated fawn colour.I couldn't let her take all the credit for the admiring glances and complementary comments I've been imagining from young women. So I've cast caution to the wind and decided to invest in some Gentleman's Grooming Products. Up until now the most I had bothered with was a £1 bottle of moisturiser to take the soreness away after a shave. Consequently I don't really have much of a clue about where best to shop for the kind of stuff I require for holding back the decay.
It would be quite out of character for me to chuck any money away on branded or 'designer' products (part of my philosophy of life) so the choice is a little restricted. Kate suggested that I could get some reasonably priced creams and aftershaves in boots. I innocently asked how they stop it oozing out the lace holes and was sharply told to stop being childish, she quite obviously meant Boots the Chemists.
So off I went clutching a £5 note in a quest to equip myself with some slightly more up market potions and smellys. Within half an hour I had managed to seek out a couple of 'buy one, get one fee' offers (the old philosophy kicking in again). I had decided to break a shaving foam habit and go for gel, mostly because the packaging was recyclable (note the green tendencies, if it wasn't for the fact that I’d like to have the majority of the prison population shot I'd be worried I was going soft).
Anyway, to get back to the plot, by the time I got to the till, most of the basics had been taken care of. All that really remained was something to tantalise the olfactory senses of those curious enough about the repackaged me to come close enough to catch a whiff.
Recently, the only aftershave I had thought necessary was a splash of Dettol behind the ears but as Kate pointed out, if I really want to be thought of as old before my time, smelling like a hospital ward is a great way to do it. So, the question was; what brand to splash on? I wasn't sure if vague memories of adolescent experiences were really reliable enough - I remember experimenting with ‘class A’ substances such as Hi Karate and Brute 33 but I'm pretty sure that by now they will have been banned under some health and safety law or other. I think you can still get Old Spice (on sale under the counter at Senior Citizen’s day care centres) but then that's back to the hospital ward again. Maybe I should come right up to date and get a bottle of the current teenage splosh Lynx, if nothing else it would keep the flies away in hot weather. No, something a bit more subtle is called for. I think I may have half a bottle of Denim left under the kitchen sink from Christmas 1976.
Christmas! of course! Now I come to think of it I got just the thing from a devoted relative last year. A bottle of subtle and exclusive supermarket own brand 'Après Rasage' - very expensive at £25 a bottle (1 gallon). I looked on the label to check the ‘Best Before’ date - there wasn’t one but it did quote a half life of a thousand years (I think that means it’s ok). It was right there under ‘Do not dispose of in a fire’ and ‘keep away from children and animals’. A full £5 cheaper than a bottle of whisky and a full 5% more flammable than petrol but best of all, a present - it was perfect.
So that's me all set, updated outfit and all the Gent's Grooming needed to give George Clooney and Brad Pitt a run for their money. Low budget yogurt I may be but at least the packaging is worth a second look.